Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2010.

As George Santayana famously said, those who fail to study history are condemned to repeat it — unless they get lucky on the final. This is especially true for “pre-history,” which is a combination of the suffix “pre,” meaning “before,” and “history,” meaning “what has occurred” — so “pre-history” literally means “things that happened before they occurred.”

Pre-history tells us that our species used to be a hunter-gatherer society. This means that the job of raising a family was split 50-50 between the men and the women — the man’s 50 percent share was to sit in the woods with a sharp stick, waiting for something to hunt to wander by, and the woman’s 50 percent was to do everything else.

Prehistoric Man: What a day! I sat on a rock and waited for elk to pass, and none did. Eventually I fell asleep.

Prehistoric Woman: All I did was gather grain, grind it, make it into bread dough, build a fire, bake the bread and fend off a pack of wolves.

Prehistoric Man: Wish I had it so easy.

Gradually society advanced to a more fair division of labor — the woman’s 50 percent still consists of bearing and raising children, managing the household, cooking, cleaning, etc., but the man’s 50 percent, the earning-a-living half, he now shares equally with the woman. This is a better deal for everybody except maybe the woman.

Modern Woman: I’m going to go out and get a job and make as much money as you do!

Modern Man: Fine! Just do the dishes before you go. What’s for dinner?

Given a chance, though, we still revert to our pre-historical roles. This explains why a man will sit on the couch with the TV remote in his hand while his wife sits on the floor in front of him, folding laundry. She is “gathering” the clothing into neat, folding piles, and he is “hunting” for a good TV show.

Of course, she could insist that her husband help her, but it’s pretty hard to fold laundry when you’re clutching a TV remote. If he does fold, she’ll just wind up having to do it over — it’s a trick men learned during pre-history.

Prehistoric Woman: I left you home today to take care of the cave. Did you cook us dinner?

Prehistoric Man: No, I poked it with a sharp stick.

Prehistoric Woman: Do the laundry?

Prehistoric Man: Sharp stick.

Prehistoric Woman: Please don’t tell me that instead of feeding the baby you poked him with a sharp stick.

Prehistoric Man: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous. Um, there’s a baby?

Prehistoric Woman: That’s it! I can no longer trust you to do the housework! From now on, I’ll have to do all of it.

Prehistoric Man: Wow, what a bad deal for me! If only I had been more competent at the housework, I’d be allowed to do more chores. I hope that someday in the future there will come a time when men and women are truly equal, except that women will still do all the housework.

Prehistoric Woman: I knew you’d be sorry.

Prehistoric Man: I’m going to sit on the couch — have you seen the remote?

Now, not all men pretend to be incompetent — some of them feign a disability, like refrigerator blindness.

Man (peering into refrigerator): Honey? Have you seen the mayonnaise?

Woman: It’s in the refrigerator!

Man: I can’t see it!

Woman: Look on the top shelf!

Man: I’m looking on the top shelf, and it’s not there!

Woman (coming into kitchen): Here. Right here in front of your nose.

Man: Oh (pause). Will you make me a sandwich?

Or how about this?

Woman: Why didn’t you put your socks in the laundry?

Man: What socks?

Woman: The socks on the floor!

Man: Where?

Woman: Right there on the floor!

Man: What do you mean?

Woman: The socks right there on the floor!

Man: Oh. Hey! I was looking for those!

These techniques, which men dreamed up while they were sitting around in pre-history waiting for something to wander by so they could poke it with a sharp stick, continue to work even though women know the men are faking.

Or so I gather.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.)

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