Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2009.

The following is from the actual court transcripts in the trial of the Dog, accused by his owner (me) of knocking over the garbage can, chewing shoes and an assortment of other misdemeanors.

Judge (me): For these terrible crimes, how do you plead?

Dog: I deny what I did was “terrible,” I deny what I did were crimes, and I deny that I did them. Can we go for a walk?

Judge: No. Sit. You’ve been a bad dog.

Dog: Are you going to finish your sandwich? I think that’s the real question here.

Judge: When I came home, the trash can w...