Bruce Cameron

Jun 04, 20140

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2009.

I wanted to start this column by saying it was “time to check the mailbag,” but it’s e-mail: It doesn’t come in a bag, it comes in a deluge, with over 90 percent of it trying to sell me things to make sure I’m enough of a man for “her.” (They often send along a picture of a presumably underserved, and certainly underdressed, woman, but she sure doesn’t look like any “her” that I know.)

But I do sometimes hear from readers, many of whom complain that I write too often/not enough, and that my most recent column is the funniest thing they’ve ever read/incontrovertible proof that I am an utter moron.

Last November, I told you how, once a year, I become a snarling despot in the name of making children happy. I run The Elf Room for a charity that sees to it that hundreds of homeless children have a holiday party, complete with gifts. The Elf Room is where the gifts are wrapped in what can only be described as absolute chaos. (It’s difficult to forecast how many children will be homeless.)

Your response was one of the most heartening experiences of my existence: Despite the dismal economy, the charity received thousands of dollars in donations from you. Many corporate sponsors had dropped out, and my readers took up the slack. What could have been a heartbreaking choice — either turn children away or have no gift for them — was obviated by your astounding generosity. On behalf of those children and the overworked elves in the Elf Room, thank you.

Recently I wrote about getting a flat tire, and how utterly perplexed I was at the strange hieroglyphics on the spare — they looked to me like crop circles. I got a lot of e-mail suggesting I am girly for not knowing how to fix a flat. Apparently I’m really not man enough for “her.”

Here’s an e-mail I felt compelled to quote verbatim: “You only write once a week, and your columns are so short you should quit writing!!!” I suppose I should be gratified that my correspondent seems to want more words from me, but his solution seems sort of like fixing a sore throat with a noose. I don’t write enough, so I should stop?

I often write about my parents, whose conversations sound, to me, like the vocal equivalent of crop circles. When a column on the subject appears, I usually receive a few e-mails that essentially say, “Your mother gave birth to you and raised you, and I am sure she doesn’t appreciate being made fun of.”

First, yes, my mother gave birth to me, a painful event she has described to everyone who will listen, including my prom date. In fact, to hear her tell it, she’s still having contractions. And second, she loves being made fun of. It’s my children who detest seeing their lives described in my column (though this isn’t exactly accurate since all three of them refuse to ever read it.)

Quite a few people wrote to object to my description of English cooking as food. Well, all right, the objection was probably that I called it bad food, but I have trouble taking their affront seriously because so many others wrote to tell me that the cooking was the reason they left England. I do acknowledge, though, that tastes vary among individuals, so if you’re from England and you love cream clots with bangers or whatever it’s called, please eat all you want and don’t save any for me.

By far the most e-mail this year, though, was occasioned by my two-part column describing being outwitted by a squirrel. There are apparently several mechanical devices on the market designed to keep squirrels out of birdfeeders, including shotguns, which was the suggestion of one fellow who disgustedly volunteered to come over and address the situation himself, seeing as I was such a girly man who probably couldn’t even fix a flat tire without help from “her.”

So here’s an update: I’ve agreed to allow the squirrel to eat from the birdfeeder, and in return, he has lifted his economic sanctions.

And that’s it for the (e)mailbag.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.)