W. Bruce Cameron - Time for Me to Fly

Jan 16, 20130

Time for Me to Fly

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008.

I have been waiting my whole life for the future, but it never seems to get here. I’m especially frustrated over the lack of flying cars, which I feel were virtually promised to us years ago by the science program “The Jetsons.” Certainly I was led to believe that by the time the 21st century rolled around, technology would have advanced to the point where we could soar up into the sky for our collisions.

A few flying cars have been hand-built, but they haven’t been mass-produced because studies show that the typical consumer would not be willing to shell out so much money to die. Using current technology, the cost of a flying car is projected to be around a million dollars, though it should be noted that this price includes leather seats. You’ll want to be comfortable as you plummet to the earth.

Passenger: Say, isn’t our flying car plummeting to the earth?

Driver: Yep! Aren’t these seats comfortable?

I’m sorry if I sound a little skeptical about the safety of these vehicles, but I have taught three teenagers to drive. I don’t think we want flying cars being piloted by people who can’t even back out of a driveway without flattening the mailbox. And I know I don’t want to pay the insurance premiums for my son to drive a $1 million-dollar Jetson-mobile.

Much more practical are jet packs, also called rocket belts. They are cheap — you can buy a new one for $125,000, plus they’ll pay top dollar for your flying car trade-in. With a rocket belt, you simply strap on your equipment and fire yourself straight up into space, with your neighbors watching and saying enviously, “He always was crazy.” Think how much fun it will be to watch them scatter when it occurs to them that you’re coming back down!

The rocket belt provides only 30 seconds of flight, so it’s not much good for commuting, unless your job is on your roof. And I’m going to speculate that after the first 15 seconds of going up, you’d better start thinking about where you are going to land — don’t devote all of your flight time to ascending unless you’ve always wanted to be a crater.

Also, while you’re up there, keep a watchful eye out for flying cars, because my daughter could be driving one and might mistake you for a flying mailbox.

Rocket belts are manufactured by Technologia Aeroespacial Mexicana, whose president, Juan Gallegos, cheerfully admits on his Website that when he was a child he ended up “being psychoanalyzed in the conduct clinic for abnormal behavior.” Apparently, he doesn’t seem to feel that there is anything abnormal about attaching a rocket to one’s back and shooting oneself up into the air — he’s even strapped his own daughter, Isabel, into the thing, making her the first female rocket-belt pilot.

I can just picture how that went:

Father: OK, now, Isabel, press the igniter ...

Daughter: I know!

Father: Careful.

Daughter: I know!

Father: Slow down, honey!

Daughter: Just let me drive!

Father: Watch out for the mailbox!

Daughter: It’s not my fault, you keep yelling at me!

According to the company Website, the rocket belt can be difficult to master (and if you haven’t mastered it, you’ll know). The pilot — or, in rocket-belt terminology, the “victim” — wears a special one-piece unitard and a fiberglass corset, because he doesn’t look dumb enough with just a rocket on his back. During the first dozen flights, known as the “training crashes,” the pilot is tethered with a long nylon line, so that when he comes down, if there is no ball of flame, the people on the ground can still find him by hauling on the rope and reeling in the biggest pieces.

Clearly, I’m somewhat skeptical of rocket belts, too, feeling that I was put on this earth to survive. I’d love to fly one, though, if only to see the expression on my dog’s face. I’d also love to see his reaction if “car ride” meant going up in a flying car. But I’m not convinced the technology is ready.

I guess I’ll have to wait for the future.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.

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