Don't Touch That Pill

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008.

I am aware that everywhere I go, people are having whispered conversations about me, saying that I’m paranoid. I’ve also been told by my doctor that I have hypochondria, which is just one of the many diseases she’s treating me for. Between these two afflictions, I barely have time to be lazy, though I always manage to work it in somehow.

Being a practicing paranoid hypochondriac means that I am always on the alert for new medications to take when those who are conspiring against me manage to implant me with an affliction. The problem, though, is that when I hear about a new drug, I’m afraid to take it.

It’s not my fault: Every time a new pill is advertised on television, all they can talk about is the potential side effects. Why can’t they take a page from the manufacturers of alcoholic beverages, who imply that the only side effect you’re likely to encounter using their product is that you’ll wind up dancing with Tyra Banks? Instead, you hear something like this:

Do not take Blisteria if you are pregnant, or don’t want to be pregnant. Side effects may include itchy tongues and little knobby things growing out of your face. Special effects may include flying cars and space aliens. Contact your doctor if your head falls off and rolls around on the floor, as this could be sign of a serious reaction. In rare cases, people taking Blisteria sometimes report running for Congress. Even more rare, they accomplish something once they’re elected.

Seek immediate attention if you have priapism for more than four hours, wherein you experience a certain delicate condition, even though you had this same condition for the entire eighth grade. Users of Blisteria should not do any wing-walking if they are the only ones on the plane. Once you are off the airplane, good luck getting your luggage.

Drink all you want while taking Blisteria — Tyra Banks is never going to dance with you. Stop taking alcohol if you think it is Tyra Banks.

Blisteria is intended to treat RCT — Remote-Control Thumb, a debilitating disease wherein the thumbs become acutely sensitive from too much channel changing during the playoffs.

It has been proven completely ineffective against nosey questioning, constant criticism and regular flatulence, so don’t bother giving any to your mother-in-law. Stop taking Blisteria if you are a man and you’ve lost your remote — just sit there helplessly, watching whatever is on, powerless to change it. If you are a woman, you don’t need Blisteria, but it wasn’t very nice of you to hide the remote control.

Some users report sudden weight loss, mostly because of the whole head-falling-off thing. Others report weight gain but promise to exercise as soon as their schedule frees up.

Blisteria — for that tingle-free thumb you’ve always wanted. Blisteria.

And that’s just the warning on the television — in print, there is always an entire page of additional potential harmful reactions, written in really, really tiny writing so that you’ll go blind trying to figure out the side effect they’re warning you about, which is blindness.

My doctor believes that if she’s going to prescribe a new medicine for me she needs to examine me in her office and not do it the way I’d prefer, which is via text message.

“Come on, Doctor, couldn’t we make an exception just this once and have you phone in the prescription? I’m afraid my thumbs are tingling too much for me to drive safely,” I say to her.

“Have a neighbor drive you,” she suggests.

I think about my neighbor Tom. “No, that’s no good, his home theater has three remotes,” I reply. “His thumbs are so tingly, if I called, he probably couldn’t even answer the phone.”

“Well, why don’t you try setting down the remote?”

“What?” I gasp.

“You could even go for a walk, get some exercise.”

“Oh, sure, I’ll just do that. During the playoffs. Right.” I hurriedly thank her for her time and hang up before she can come up with any more crazy ideas.

Sometimes I think my doctor doesn’t care about me at all. But I’m probably just being paranoid.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at http://www.creators.com.

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