W. Bruce Cameron-Nov. 22, 2012

You’ll Never Guess Who My Mother Saw

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

I recently had a conversation with my mother (no relation).

OK, I suppose I’m technically incorrect — about the “no relation” part, not that I had a conversation. But by the time I’d finished talking to her, I was pretty convinced my mother was switched at birth.

“You’ll never guess who I saw in person the other day,” she gushed on the telephone.

“Who?” I asked politely.

“Guess.”

This gave me pause. Didn’t she already say I would never guess? “Um, Dad.”

“What? No.”

“You haven’t seen Dad? You should call missing persons!”

“No, here’s a hint.” With that, she proceeded to hum in a fashion that sounded like her telephone was out of order. “Duh-duh-duh-duh,” she intoned. “It’s from that movie!”

“What movie, ‘Invasion of the Metronomes’?”

“No, is that a good one?”

“Mom. OK, what movie?”

“Well, guess.”

I sigh. “What’s the movie about?”

“I don’t remember. Give up?”

“When I’m so close to guessing? Yes, I give up.”

“OK, the movie was ‘Jaws.’”

“The movie was ‘Jaws,’ and you don’t remember what it was about? That’s like saying you can’t remember what ‘Apollo 13’ was about. Mom, ‘Jaws’ is about a shark. What else would it be about, dentists?”

“Well, I know that,” she said. “I just didn’t want to give it away.”

“So you saw one of the actors from ‘Jaws’?”

“Yes!”

“OK. So ... Roy Scheider?”

“Who?”

“He played the police chief in ‘Jaws.’”

“The police chief? There was a police chief?”

“How about Richard Dreyfuss?” I responded, ignoring the question.

“Didn’t you already guess him?”

“So if it wasn’t Richard Dreyfuss or Roy Scheider, who was it?”

“Give up?”

“Yes, please, I very much give up. Totally and completely.”

“Al Pacino!”

I closed my eyes.

“They were filming a commercial for a local restaurant, and I was walking past, and I saw Al Pacino, and I said to him that he used to be one of my favorite actors, and he said thank you so much but we’re filming a commercial right now, and I said, “Right now?” And he said, yes, ma’am.

He was very polite, you know. And a nice young man came over and showed me where to stand so I wouldn’t be in the commercial.”

I thought about hanging up and moving out of the country, but instead felt duty-bound to try to understand what had actually happened. “You sort of lost me at duh-duh-duh,” I admitted. “You’re saying Al Pacino, Oscar-winner, was in a commercial for a restaurant in your town of, what, 15,000 people?”

“I think the restaurant is called Sparkles. Or Bubbles. Or something.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” I agreed. “And it was Al Pacino. The actor from ‘The Godfather.’ ‘Scent of a Woman.’ ‘Scarface.’”

“‘The Scarred ... Woman’?” She repeated uncertainly. “I don’t know, but my favorite was when he played Captain Kirk.”

“Captain ... Kirk? From ‘Star Trek’?”

“No, no, no, from the one we were just talking about.”

“Mom, are you taking all the medication you’re supposed to be taking? Captain Kirk is from ‘Star Trek.’”

“Did I say Captain Kirk? I meant Captain Queeg,” she apologized.

“Captain Queeg,” I mused. “Wait, ‘The Caine Mutiny’? That was Humphrey Bogart! Mom, I promise you that for many, many reasons Humphrey Bogart was not in Traverse City, Mich., doing a commercial for a new restaurant called Bubbles. Though I suppose you could say he does look a little like Al Pacino. Who, I’m so, so sad to report, was not there doing that, either.”

“Well, then, who was it?” she demanded.

“You’re asking me? Wait a minute ... the captain. You mean Captain Quint? The captain on the boat in ‘Jaws’?”

“Yes!” she said delightedly. “You guessed it! Though as an actor, Humphrey Bogart was no slouch, let me tell you that.”

“But Mom, Captain Quint was played by Robert Shaw. He died when I was in high school.”

“He did?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Then I wonder who it was.”

I’m sure my mother saw somebody when she wandered on camera while they were shooting a commercial for a restaurant called Sparkles or Bubbles or something.

We’ll just never know who.

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