Bruce Cameron

Oct 11, 20120

Dream a

Little Q&A

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

My dreams are so boring they usually put me to sleep. They bore other people, too. When I was young, my father had a rule that if I wanted to tell my family about my dreams I had to (a) keep it short and (b) find another family.

But dreams ultimately tell us a lot about ourselves, such as the fact that we must be asleep. Thus, the fact that my dreams are excruciatingly boring tells me they would make a good episode of “John From Cincinnati.” The other night, for example, I had a dream that I was cleaning the inside of the refrigerator — something I can assure you would never happen in real life. It got so boring that in my dream I had to lie down and take a nap.

I’ve done some research and found there are four stages of sleep.

Stage No. 1: Lying in bed, unable to get to sleep.

Stage No. 2: Unable to sleep because dog is barking at something.

Stage No. 3: Unable to sleep because some drunken idiot has called four times threatening to punch you in the nose if you don’t let him speak to Marjorie.

Stage No. 4: Somebody’s car alarm keeps going off.

Dreaming can take place in any stage, but it is most common during REM sleep (“REM” stands for “Really creepy Eye Movement”). People think you can influence your dreams by placing objects under your pillow — so if you want to dream of a romantic interlude, you sleep on a photograph of the person in question. Or if you want to dream up a new recipe for dinner, you sleep on a live chicken. Sleep on a piece of wedding cake, and all night you’ll dream that your dog is trying to stick his nose under your pillow.

Dream research is difficult because the subjects being studied are often unresponsive until they wake up. We can now answer some of the more perplexing questions about dreams, however, even if we still don’t know what your dog was barking at.

I dreamed last night that I was naked.

What does it mean?

It probably means that at some point in the not-too-distant future, you will be naked. If you are an attractive woman, it means you will not be in any of my dreams, because that wouldn’t be boring enough. Even fully clothed attractive women don’t come to my dreams, though one time I did dream that Michael Moore and Bill O’Reilly, both dressed as women, were in my living room salsa dancing. Dream researchers indicate that this one isn’t likely to come true because, in their words, “We just can’t picture anyone salsa dancing with Michael Moore.”

I dreamed it’s time for my math exam and I haven’t studied.

You dreamed this? I lived it! Don’t worry, this just means that you’ll be a liberal arts major, which is great preparation for a career in the fast-food industry. Even better, you can be an English major like me — when it comes to taking tests, you don’t have to know the answers, you just have to be able to make them up on the spot. Being an English major prepares you for any job where you have to know how to speak English, I suppose, though if you’re really, really good you can get a job teaching other people to be English majors.

Last night I dreamed I was flying.

This is a fairly common dream and usually just means that you’re going to miss your connection in Chicago.

Even though I run my own company, I often dream that I’m the lowest employee, the janitor.

Well, next time that happens would you please come over and clean my refrigerator?

I keep dreaming my neighbor’s dog is barking.

Very funny. Maybe my dog is barking at you, did you think of that? Go back to bed, and maybe we’ll both get some sleep!

Do dreams come true?

You never know. I would have to state that in my case, they don’t seem to come true very often — but let’s just say I’ve obtained a supply of salsa music, just in case.