Bruce Cameron

My Daughter’s Rejectable Boyfriends

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

As my daughters get older, they are more and more likely to thank me for what a good job I did raising them, so I’m sure that will happen any day now. They will recognize that I protected them from all sorts of dangers, such as serial killers, car crashes and dating. In fact, I’m still on the job — just because my daughters have both reached the so-called “age of consent” doesn’t mean I have to give it.

My older daughter is currently dating a young man who seems very mature and responsible, so naturally I’m very suspicious of him and feel we’d all best be served if the relationship went on a “cooling-off” period for a few years. “But you’ve never liked any of my boyfriends,” my daughter protests.

“That’s not true,” I inform her. “I liked that one guy who got transferred to Sweden.”

“Him? Why him?” she wants to know.

“Because he got transferred to Sweden,” I reply logically.

Thinking she was doing something besides proving my point, my daughter compiled the following list of what she considers to be my “unreasonable” objections to her most recent boyfriends.

Ted

My objections: Ted seems too “friendly.” He’s always smiling, like he’s got some terrible secret from his past. What’s he got to be so happy about all the time? I do not want boys who are dating my daughter to be happy, I want them to be burdened with concern that they are not measuring up to my standards. Maybe he’s on drugs. He’s not fooling me — these happy-go-lucky types are always the ones who go crazy and wind up getting arrested for trying to shoot the president.

Billy

Who the heck is named “Billy” anymore? That’s a kid’s name. By the time someone grows up, he should have a man’s name, something masculine, like “Bruce.” Or “William.” Maybe he isn’t a grown-up. Have you seen his driver’s license? Maybe the reason you haven’t is that he’s not old enough to drive! Why don’t you find someone who’s had more experience in life with things like college, earning a living and shaving?

Charles

Who’s he trying to impress with “Charles”? What does he think he is, a British lord? What’s wrong with “Charlie”? Now, that’s the name of a trustworthy person, not this “Charles” business.

He say’s he’s an “engineer,” but so is the fellow who loads things into the back of the garbage truck. And would it hurt the guy to smile once in a while? He’s always so serious. Those serious guys, they always wind up getting arrested for trying to shoot the president.

Corbin

His parents must have found his name in the List of Baby Names Nobody Uses. I don’t even know what a “Corbin” is, though it sounds to me like the sort of thing that is used by sanitation workers to unplug trash chutes. Like: “Hey, Charles, would you bring the corbin back here? The garbage chute’s full again.” And Charles says: “Sure thing, Ted. Hey, those were good drugs you gave me last night; how goes the assassination plot?” And Ted says, “Ha, ha, Charles, I love being substandard.” And Billy says, “I want to be just like you guys when I grow up to be 20!”

“What this list proves,” I tell my daughter, “is that if it weren’t for my judicious application of common sense, you’d wind up being known as ‘the poor woman who is married to that habitual corbin-user, now serving time in juvenile hall for sending death threats to the White House.’”

When I say stuff like this to her, my daughter usually stares at me in utter silence for several seconds, struck dumb by my sheer wisdom. After all, she can’t deny that I was ultimately proven right about Ted, Billy, Charles and Corbin — none of those guys is around anymore, ejected from our lives due to my objections (though my daughter implausibly insists that she also had something to do with the decision).

Clearly, then, as long as I’m on the job, my daughters will be protected from dating the wrong sort of men — or any sort of men.

Someday, they’ll thank me.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at http://www.creators.com.

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