I Hate My Cell Phone

W. BRUCE CAMERON

My cell phone has a special app that allows me to eject Alec Baldwin from an airplane. I can look up a recipe for bananas flambe or find the nearest fire extinguisher to put the bananas flamb-out. It's a "smart phone," so intelligent that I recently caught it looking for an app to replace me.

We don't get along very well, my phone and I (it has sent me a list of therapists in case I want to try couples counseling). Basically, the reason I don't like my cell phone is that I hate it. We often have conversations like this:

Me: Call home.

Phone: Calling Mom.

Me: No! Stop! Cancel!...