W. Bruce Cameron - This is a Job for ... Zetaman?

Mar 10, 20110

Ripped from the headlines: Two superhero groups in Seattle are caught up in an epic struggle over whether they should fight crime or just deliver sandwiches.

I’d explain the joke, but there isn’t one. According to The Wall Street Journal, a man named Phoenix Jones leads a group of superheroes called the Rain City Superhero Movement. Every night, Jones dons a costume of black and gold body armor with matching helmet and goes out to fight bad guys in the city, which has the members of the competing Real Life Superhero Movement up in arms because they think superheroes should devote themselves to doing good deeds like feeding the homeless.

In the picture I’ve seen of Jones, the gold part of the costume looks yellow and his helmet looks like Mr. T’s head.

Now, if I saw Jones approaching me in his full black-and-yellow metal outfit, I’d say to myself, “Oh, good, a taxi!” Jones is often accompanied by two of his sidekicks: Buster Doe and Blue Sparrow, names which sound to me less like superheroes and more like backup singers for Jon Bon Jovi. A doe is a female deer (known for soundless flight) and a sparrow is, well, a sparrow — these are crime fighters? Was “Weak Noodle” already taken?

But these superheroes do fight crime, mostly by calling 911. They also dispense advice (Jones is quoted as telling a group of loiterers to “stay warm.” Thank you, superhero!) And, on at least one occasion, Phoenix Jones has waded into the middle of a fight to break it up. (In that incident, Jones’ nose was broken.)

I am picturing the scene now, the two fistfighters going after each other only to be interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Phoenix Jones and his doe-a-deer and lightweight-bird sidekicks.

Phoenix Jones: Stop fighting!

Fighter No. 1: No! (Swings fist, hits Superhero Jones.)

Phoenix Jones: Ow!

Fighter No. 1: Oh, hey, sorry man. You OK?

Phoenix Jones: My nose hurts!

Fighter No. 2: Yo, super-dude, you have the same paint job as my Subaru WRX.

Fighter No. 1: If you’re the one with the broken nose, why are your sidekicks the ones crying?

Fighter No. 2: Yeah, make them stop crying.

Fighter No. 1: I guess I don’t feel like fighting anymore. It’s like beating up on kittens or something.

One of the members of the rival Real Life Superhero movement, named Zetaman, is quoted as saying he is “afraid of one day someone is going to get killed, and it’ll all be over.”

Zeta is the sixth letter of the Greek alphabet and has no meaning in English. In other words, this superhero has given himself the name “Nothing Man.” I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether that sounds tougher than being a doe or a 1 ounce bird.

If you look up the word Zeta on the Internet, you’ll wind up spending about an hour gazing at some very attractive photographs of Catherine Zeta-Jones. That’s what I did, anyway.

Phoenix Jones isn’t worried about the dangers. “If you dress up like a superhero, people are going to expect you to fight crime,” he is quoted as explaining. (And, I would add, if you dress up like a taxi, people are going to want you to give them a ride home afterward.)

Sidekick Doe Boy, or whatever his name is, has a costume with a ski mask and padded vest that looks pretty much like what you’d wear to stick up a bank. I imagine if he approaches criminals, they assume he’s on their side. Then he whips out his cell phone and calls 911, and boy, are they sorry they trusted him!

Criminal No. 1: Hey, no fair, you’re dressed like a bank robber!

Criminal No. 2: And quit crying!

Oh, and another one of these superhero guys goes by the name Mr. Raven Blade. (I probably would have chosen “Mr. Raven Lunatic,” but that’s just me.)

At any rate, if you are ever in Seattle and are suddenly jumped by criminals, call Phoenix Jones to help you! Or, since you have your phone out, save a step and just dial 911 yourself.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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