Bruce Cameron - May I Present Mr. and Mrs. Barracuda

W. Bruce Cameron

My 8-year-old nephew, Ethan, has an Ultra-Black-Ops Commando Infiltrator Action Figure that comes with a Gatling gun and assorted other wholesome weapons. The doll’s name is Lt. Cobra Barracuda.

“It’s not a doll, Uncle Bruce,” Ethan says scornfully.

Ethan’s next-door neighbors are twin 10-year-olds, Jenna and Jaynee, who have long been playmates of his despite the fact that they are girls. Ethan recently went to a birthday party at their house.

“Which one of them had a birthday?” I asked him.

“They’re twins, Uncle Bruce,” Ethan answered.

The J-Twins, as they are often called, came over with one of their birthday presents: an Enchanted Storybook Wedding Princess Doll. (I get the feeling that the people who name toys get paid by the word.)

“We’re going to have a wedding!” Jenna announced.

Ethan groaned and fell to the floor as if Cobra Barracuda had just shot him with a poison dart. He leaped back up, though, when Jaynee grabbed Lt. Barracuda and put him on the fireplace hearth with Princess. “Barracuda can’t get married — he’s got to go behind enemy lines!” he protested.

The girls ignored him. Ethan was learning an important life lesson, which is that weddings can trump anything, including black ops.

Lt. Barracuda was about 8 inches high — useful for sneaking up on the enemy, I suppose. The Wedding Princess, however, was nearly 2 feet tall — Barracuda was marrying the 50-Foot Woman.

Jaynee held Barracuda up to the gigantic princess. “‘Will you marry me?’”

“He would never say that,” Ethan pointed out.

“‘Yes!’” Jenna responded.

Ethan grabbed a Killer Ninja from his box of toys. “‘I will kill the princess,’” he announced in a ninja voice.

“No, it’s a wedding,” Jenna explained.

The girls decided that Lt. Barracuda’s garrote would serve as a necktie and that his handcuffs would make a suitable wedding ring for the princess. Ethan brought in a Phantom Jet and made missile-launching noises with his mouth, which were ignored.

“ Attack!’” Ethan roared, brandishing something that looked like a flying submarine with tentacles.

“No, there’s peace because of the wedding,” Jaynee said.

Ethan picked up a dictionary, stood on the couch and dropped it flat on the floor, where it landed with all the weight of the English language. “Bomb!” he yelled. He was ignored.

“I will buy a castle, and we will live there with our children,” Lt. Barracuda said to his bride. “And horses.”

“I love you,” the princess replied.

“I love you, too,” Lt. Barracuda said.

Ethan watched in horror as his Black Ops Commando kissed the princess on her giant lips. The Killer Ninja stepped forward to administer the vows, while several tiny army guys bore witness, all of them aiming weapons at the bridal couple.

“Will you marry me?” Lt. Barracuda asked again, because it was the girls’ favorite part.

“He decided that he would never do war again,” Jaynee narrated.

“This is so dumb,” Ethan said.

“The king had already promised that the princess would marry another man,” Jaynee intoned.

“Yes, do that!” Ethan said.

“So the princess ran away,” Jaynee said. “And when the king found that she was gone from the dungeon, he said she was forbidden to ever return.”

“Well, but she’s still a princess,” Jenna objected. “I mean, it has to be a princess wedding.”

“Maybe Barracuda is a prince,” Jaynee speculated.

“No!” Ethan said. “He’s a lieutenant.”

“He could have gotten promoted,” Jaynee reasoned.

The couple then exchanged vows, with Lt. Prince Barracuda being held in the air so he could see his bride’s face. They were complicated, with a lot of references to the king and other complex matters that I thought would probably have been better left to the prenup. Ethan mostly lay on the couch through the ceremony and pretended to have appendicitis, but he sat up when Jenna asked if Lt. Barracuda promised never to hurt anyone again.

“I do,” Barracuda vowed.

Ethan fell back on the couch, emitting an agonized sigh when the Killer Ninja preacher said, “You may kiss the bride.”

After pressing the two plastic faces together, Jenna and Jaynee looked at each other.

“Let’s do it again,” they said.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. COPYRIGHT 2010

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