W. Bruce Cameron - Remote Possibilities

Nov 18, 20100

I have seven remote controls for my television set that I keep in a basket — I’ve nicknamed the basket “the remote jungle.”

At night, when I’m asleep, the remotes like to escape the jungle and burrow deep into the couch cushions. This is the only explanation for why I can often change the channel by shifting my position on the couch. I am certainly not one of those people who is too lazy to put a remote back in the basket when I am finished with it — why would the word “lazy” ever be used to describe someone with so many remote controls?

My father bought one of the very first remote controls I can ever remember seeing when I was a very young child. It worked like this: He’d point the thing at the television, push the button, frown, push the button, frown, then tell me to change the channel.

My father’s remote was inferior because it had only two buttons, and they didn’t do anything. Today’s remote controls have many, many buttons that don’t do anything.

When I want to watch television, I must first use the monitor remote to set the “position” of the picture, which oddly I want to be “on the TV.” For some reason when I power down the set, the picture resets to the far left of the screen, like an actor peering at the audience from behind the curtain. If I push the “left” button, the pictures disappears altogether and probably shows up at my neighbor’s house.

Next, I pick up the VCR remote. I don’t actually have a VCR anymore, but I keep the VCR remote because it is the most loyal. It never burrows into the couch cushions and is remarkably simple to operate, so it is something of a favorite.

The sound system remote allows me to set the levels for bass, treble, tweet, boom, echo, darkness, breakfast and trust. I can listen to the pilots talking to the tower or my neighbors asking why my TV show is on the wall in their kitchen. What I can’t do is increase the volume — I have to get off the couch for that one.

Next, I engage the Digital Video Recorder (DVR) to see what has been recorded for me. I set it up to record the football game, plus a movie, plus a true crime show. Here’s how that worked out:

Asked for: Football game. Got: “Teletubbies.”

Asked for: Movie about a woman in a bikini. Got: “Teletubbies.”

Asked for: True crime show about using a goat to solve a murder. Got: “Teletubbies.”

I have stopped watching the “Teletubbies” show because I can’t take all the drama. So I’ll have to watch live TV, which is accomplished by repeatedly pushing the “Live TV” button on the DVR remote and then getting off the couch and unplugging the DVR.

Now I use my cable remote, which is about the size and shape of a surfboard. It has a marvelous array of functions: Push one button, and the people on “Dancing With the Stars” will stop dancing — if that’s what you call what they’re doing. Another button will mute the people who argue about politics — that’s my favorite function. One button says “Move,” so that if you’re really lazy, you don’t have to. Another says “Menu,” in case you want take-out.

Using the cable remote, I quickly and efficiently navigate through all 700 channels, which takes about 12 hours. Eventually, I decide I want to watch a movie about explosions and gunfire and push the “Select” button so that I can read that I don’t subscribe to the Explosions and Gunfire Channel. The message asks, “Watch ‘Teletubbies’ instead? Y/N”

I select “N” and go for a movie about tough guys who beat everybody up, even bad guys with tanks and machine guns. Alas, I neglected to pay for that channel, as well.

“Watch ‘Teletubbies’ instead? Y/N”

As it turns out, the only movie channel I’ve subscribed to is Movies Where Two People are in Love but Something Prevents Them From Getting Together but in the End They Surprisingly Get Together.

I decide to watch “Teletubies” instead.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.