W. Bruce Cameron - The stem cell sure thing

Sep 30, 20100

In 2004, the voters in the state of California approved a bill mandating the spending of $3 billion on stem-cell research, though because it was California they did not approve a bill to pay for it. A new breakthrough, however, suggests that maybe the whole thing could turn into a moneymaker for the nearly bankrupt state.

Stem cells are amazing building blocks of the body that can be coaxed into growing into nearly anything you want, like an elbow or a kidney. Put some stem cells into a petri dish, stir them up, and voila, you can grow yourself a Heather Graham.

The hope is that someday stem cells will help treat and cure serious diseases, which is why California decided to spend $3 billion but not pay for it. And sure enough, doctors have recently announced a new procedure that uses stem cells to treat one of the most onerous and troublesome afflictions plaguing humans today: wrinkles.

That’s right. Plastic surgeons are injecting the areas around the eyes and lips with stem cells so that instead of wrinkles, people will look at their faces and see a kidney. Or an elbow. Or maybe just a completely younger person, because when the stem cells got into position they took a look around and said, “Hey, let’s grow a new face instead of a kidney!” So soon Betty White will have the face of a 9-year-old.

The stem cells themselves come from liposuction on the patient, so it’s sort of a two-for-one deal. Yes, that’s right, the plastic surgeons are removing the patient’s fat and then reinserting it into the patient’s face. They’ve actually been doing this for a long time — spend the afternoon in Beverly Hills, and you’ll see dozens of women who have had the fat removed from their butts and injected in their lips, so that their mouths resemble a double-decker hot dog sandwich. Any man kissing those lips knows what he is really kissing, I assure you.

With the new procedure, the fat is liposuctioned from the patient and then the stem cells are “separated” from the fat, which is apparently pretty easy to do once California gives you $3 billion. The newly separated stem cells move into a furnished apartment and take out advertisements on Match.com. When there are enough stem cells concentrated into a dose to grow a new face, the plastic surgeons inject them into “strategic” areas, as described below.

Strategic areas: forehead, corners of the eye, sausage-thick lips.

Non-strategic areas: kneecap, radiator, family cat.

The results are astounding. I’ve seen the before and after photographs, and let me tell you, in just a few weeks the women go from having tired, sagging, wrinkly skin to having a new haircut and expert makeup.

Here’s the best part: A stem-cell facelift costs $15,000. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I had an extra $15k, I sure wouldn’t inject it into my face. In fact, I don’t think my whole body is worth that. But we’re talking California, where women are spending all kinds of money to take the part of the body they sit on and have it formed into blimpy lips. $15k is nothing to those women — they spend that much on jewelry for the dogs that they carry around.

So here’s where California is going to come out of this looking as pretty as a Heather Graham straight from the petri dish: The actual cost of the stem cell-referendum is $6 billion, because you have to add the cost of interest to the original $3 billion because it’s California, and they decided that instead of paying for it they would just put it on the credit card. But at $15K a pop, a mere 400,000 facelifts will pay the entire bill!

In California, state employees are furloughed a couple days a month because the state spent their salaries on other stuff, like stem cells. I say have the employees do stem-cell facelifts on those days instead, collect $15k for each one, and the whole thing is paid for.

Best of all: Every facelift includes free liposuction. What a deal!

CREATORS.COM