W. BRUCE CAMERON-Legally My Daughter

Feb 25, 20100

Petition for Habeas Corpus filed on behalf of the teenage daughter, the “aggrieved party,” to compel the father, the “meanest man in the whole world,” to reverse his mandate of Cruel and Unusual Punishment, to wit: that the aggrieved party has to stay home and clean the garage when I promised I’d go with Whitney to the mall!

The basis for this petition, which is like an emergency because Whitney is coming to pick me up in half an hour and I need to get ready, is first of all it’s against the Constitution. You can’t just announce on a Saturday that all of a sudden I have to stay home and not be with my Best Friends because you get this idea that the garage needs to be cleaned out. That’s like grounding the aggrieved party, which is a punishment, and you can’t punish me for not doing anything wrong!

And I’m pretty sure that people in authority, like experts in childhood, would have to arrest you for being crazy that you said I have to write a “legal brief” to “appeal” your decision to Ruin My Life, and I’ll have you know it is not that easy to look up legal language on the Internet, which is not “how I do all my reports now.” Homework is a lot harder now than when you were growing up because of the Internet. We have to research everything, it’s not like we can just read a book and that’s all you need.

Anyway, grounding me for no reason is Habeas Corpus. Plus, I have been planning for like a month to go to the mall with Whitney, who is an Amicus Curiae in this case, which means friend, so that’s another legal reason.

It doesn’t matter that I went to the mall last weekend because that was with Courtney, so it isn’t Germane, which is legal for you’re totally wrong.

Anyway, there are lots of reasons why cleaning the garage is illegal. First, most of the stuff in there is not even mine, there are like all these papers. They belong to you, so you should clean the garage Pro Se, which means legally “do it yourself” without ruining my Saturday. You said that I should help because I’m a member of the family, but that’s Hearsay, meaning, just stuff you said. Also, I never asked to be a member of this family! You were the one who had me, so Ipso Fatso, (“automatically”) you should do the garage.

Second, as to the garage being Cruel and Unusual, which is the Eighth Most Important Amendment, is that it’s all completely filthy from stuff being tracked in by the cars. I do not own a car because my father says I don’t need a car because he didn’t have one growing up, like that’s “germane,” and then he won’t let Christopher pick me up, and he asks all these questions about is Christopher my boyfriend and are we “going stead,” which is so humiliating and makes me sick. And like I’m sure I’m going to get on my hands and knees and scoop up all this dirt in brand new jeans.

Plus, why did you have two other children if I’m the one you always pick on? Between me and my brother, who is sitting there watching cartoons, I have the most important life, Nolo Contendere (“no contest”). And my sister is just messing around in the kitchen. I have a life because I have skills, social skills, and an E.Q., which stands for Emotional Quotient, which they didn’t have when you went to high school but they now know is even more important than I.Q.

So that’s my legal paper, which you said has to be 700 words, another rule that you just made up out of nowhere, so I should get full credit for that. Nobody else has to do stuff like this when all they want is to go to the mall like a completely normal person. Whitney is going to be here any minute, so I’ll have to do my makeup in her car, so I’m leaving.

Plus I need money for the mall.

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