I Am Not Running for President

I know that the suspense has been unbearable, but I'm finally ready to make my announcement: I am not running for president.

I realize that by doing so, I have aligned myself with 328,113,170 or so other Americans who also have decided not to run for president. We have much in common, including our shared contempt for nearly all of those, on all sides, who practice the dark arts of politics, most of whom are running for president.

In case you were wondering why I found it necessary to announce that I'm forgoing an election campaign, it's because of Eric Garcetti. Los Angeles Mayor Garcetti hel...